I don’t think my heart has ever dropped so fast or sunk so low. Ah, the power of my empty words, back to haunt me.
My earlier post, which has now most appropriately been deleted, was a direct result of my ongoing and seemingly never ending frustration with my household and with my life.
Everything inside my head went on a rampage.. Haven’t you ever been so upset and so frustrated that you really, truly can’t take it anymore? And that’s what happened.
I left the game with a foggy mind. I can’t say I know exactly what it was that sent me over the edge. Perhaps it was a harmless remark that would normally not bother me, but tonight I heard it differently. Tonight that was it. All the fights about the dishes, and the laundry, who is paying who for what, the way the house looks, how the parking is, who takes out the trash.. Everything in the house seemed to be a thousand pounds of weight on my shoulders. Not to mention, the stresses of my personal life..
So I did what I have previously done. I wrote. I wrote a short, to-the-point, blog on why I was pissed and just how I was feeling. As soon as the words reached my fingertips, it was out…over but not fixed. I blamed someone who didn’t deserve it. In fact, I blamed someone who I actually care quite a lot about.
I am definitely not the type of person who cries.. not anymore. But I hear Matt say to me, “..because of what you wrote..” and I automatically freeze. My heart drops and my eyes well up. I have fucked up, and the worst part is, what I wrote wasn’t even truthful. All of this and I didn’t really even mean it.
I feel horrible. I feel as if I cannot apologize enough. Words escape me.
The words “I am sorry” probably don’t have as much weight as the nasty words I used before, but I must say I have never felt so bad.
Because I really didn’t mean it.
I hate the laundry on the floor, the shit on the counters, the sound the car makes, the cost of living, having to shamefully go to junior college again, being slightly in debt, having gained thirty pounds, getting stalked on the internet, having to drop dishonest friends, hearing the dogs bark all the time, not being able to have my cat, being ignored by my fiance, having no say in many important decisions, not passing math, having an eating disorder, being jealous over stupid things…
I hate all of those things.
But I don’t hate you.
Life is getting the best of me right now, and I took that out on you. I apologize. I know you’ve accepted my apology but I want you to know that I really do apologize.
I just need a break.